This article is co-written by Dr. Marya Wilson and Michael Chojnocki (www.michaelchojnacki.com).
I wrote on Tuesday about how my new year started on 2/1 instead of 1/1. Ooof, those exposed cracks, I won’t lie, they are doozies. Some of them still hurt pretty hard, some make me laugh a lot, and some make me feel strong as hell. In my reflection period, I thought long and hard about the anger I had (and still) been holding for a lot of hurt and betrayal. I have thought for years that anger was not useful and hurt my heart and soul. It can be hurtful…when it’s not held with kindness and compassion.
Anger is a negative emotion. It is also a REAL and human emotion. There is a lot of anger going on in our personal and professional lives, and for some, it has become destructive because it isn’t held with kindness and compassion. “What do you mean, Marya?” Anger is real and usually comes from some form of betrayal of trust: friends, family, systems, leaders, team members, and so on. That anger drives us to self-protect and again, it is real. As I tell so many, you get to FEEL those feelings. And when we hold that anger in kindness and compassion, we can use that anger for positive movement forward.
So much betrayal that happens is unintentional, especially in our interactions with each other. It doesn’t mean the betrayal hurts any less, but when we hold that anger in kindness and compassion, we can feel the anger and then see the “whole picture.” See that those around us are human and fallible and make mistakes, just like we do. We can see that others are hurting and feeling frustrated, just like we do. We can see that others are afraid of the uncertainty, just like we our fear. I get asked if trust can be repaired. You bet it can, but only when we feel the anger with kindness and compassion. Apologies need to be made, but conversation also needs to be had to understand what happened and be able to move forward. Does that mean trust will be repaired 100% of the time? No. I believe, though, that when we feel our anger and then circle it in kindness and compassion, we can repair and strengthen trust and relationships.
One way we can hold anger in kindness and compassion is to “empty the mind” as my dear friend, Michael explains below.
The Japanese Bow
There’s an ancient Japanese custom where people bow whenever they greet each other or show their appreciation. For example, a person may bow when admiring a flower arrangement at a tea ceremony, then bow to the host for the thoughtfulness they provided.
The original purpose of bowing was to clear the mind of any preconceived thoughts. With an empty mind, people can greet each other or admire a work of art with an entirely fresh outlook, thus fully appreciating the beauty and meaning that’s being presented.
Although we may never bow in our society, we can benefit from emptying our mind whenever we greet someone or appreciate the beauty of nature. And by not judging, we can see life without the expectations of how things should be or how we should be. When our mind is empty and free, we have a clear perspective of everything around us and fully appreciate the richness of life.
Emptying the Mind
Whenever people meet, we exchange greetings, and begin a conversation, yet how many times do we feel that we haven’t really connected to the other person? Perhaps one aspect of the Japanese bow can help us improve our ability to connect before we begin speaking.
In Japan, according to an ancient tradition, people bow whenever they greet each other. When bowing, each person takes a moment to empty their mind and express kyo shin, which means to greet someone "without prejudice." After the head is raised, the empty mind sees the person with a fresh awareness and a greater sense of connection.
Although we may never bow in our society, we can practice emptying the mind whenever we greet someone. Just like a glass of water filled to the rim, there is no way to accept even an additional drop unless one empties the glass. It is important to take a moment to empty the mind and connect to the other person before communicating. The quality of our connection to others is a direct reflection of the quality and depth of our relationships. Imagine the vast improvement it would make in our lives when we slow down, empty our mind, and truly connect with others before speaking.
Feel your anger and hold it with kindness and compassion. Let it help you strengthen trust and build your relationships. Let it drive you forward toward your hopes, goals, and dreams. Let it drive you forward to a place of peace, calm, even laughter. Let it drive you forward.
How can we support you in moving forward? Share with us your ways of holding anger in kindness and compassion.