Last week’s conversation sparked an insightful discussion with a dear friend about leaders and trust. He suggested that good leaders can be trusted. Those that don’t commit the time to developing trust with their followers truly aren’t leaders; they are only people in positions of legitimate authority or power. I agree wholeheartedly. “…a willingness to act on the basis of, the words, actions, and decisions of another” (Lewicki & Wiethoff, 2000, p. 87), I cannot emphasize how incredibly personal and strong trust is to every relationship. Trust takes a great deal of time and commitment to create, grow, and strengthen.
This week I came across a message from a former student of mine. She requested a recommendation from me back in November. I was honored to be asked and had zero hesitation about providing a glowing recommendation for this person. As I re-read her request, I realized I had not completed the task I told her I would…five months ago. My heart sank. I loathe when I don’t keep my word to others. I messaged her I would have it done by Wednesday. She responded, “I know you’re busy, it’s ok.” I smiled and thought to myself, “How kind.” Her words also made me take a huge step back. Where else am I breaking trust with others? Am I keeping my commitments? Am I keeping my word to my colleagues? Am I keeping my word to my friends and family? I had to answer “No” more than I wanted. I have since reviewed everything I’ve committed to in the next few months. Truthfully, it is more than I should have taken on. I love saying “Yes” when asked to help. I am a people-pleaser, and it feels good to say "yes"…until I can’t keep my word. By the way, I did get the recommendation done on Wednesday.
Leaders lose trust through betrayal. That word sparks some intense reaction for some, including me. Let’s put some definition around “betrayal.” Reina and Reina (2006) define betrayal as “…an intentional or unintentional breach of trust or the perception of a breach of trust” (p. 7). They further break betrayals into minor and major categories. Minor and major betrayals are personal, and a perception of the individuals involved. I do not believe most leaders lose trust through major betrayals. Major betrayals happen, and the emotion tied to those betrayals is so intense that there is a tendency to think this happens often. Many leaders lose trust through minor betrayals: not communicating, not keeping commitments, not holding people to set expectations, taking on too much, etc. Most of us are empathetic individuals and know that organizations and people are “crazy busy.” Things happen, right? Therein lies the problem. These minor betrayals of trust build up over time. Then, one day, you miss a deadline or don’t complete the task you agreed to for someone. Those minors added up to poor behavior (and many times we don’t notice). The minor betrayal just became a major.
The leaders I know are very good, and human. They are kind and understanding of others, so are their followers. Our willingness to act on other’s words, actions, and behaviors requires that we “do what we say, say what we do” with repeated action. When we allow minor betrayals to become our behavior, we lose trust. Trust takes time and commitment to build and needs to be strengthened daily. The little things we do make an incredible difference. We sometimes forget those little things in our daily actions. Doing the little things is spending the time and commitment to build trust. I have been reminded of this great importance with a 2x4 this week.
I challenge you over the next week to ask yourself, “What can I do in my daily actions to strengthen my trust with others?” Think about your relationships personally and professionally. Are you betraying trust? What can you improve? I would love to hear your stories and action plans.
Lewicki, R.J. & Wiethoff, C. (2000). Trust, Trust Development, and Trust Repair. In. M. Deutsch & P.T. Coleman (Eds.), The handbook of conflict resolution: Theory and practice (p. 86-107). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Reina, D. & Reina, M. (2006). Trust and betrayal in the workplace: Building effective relationships in your organization. (2nd Ed.). San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.